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Chapter 8.

Everyone in the room stared at me and then Nick came into the room even though he was in shirt sleeves and started begging me to take him back.

“Dave, it’s not what you think!” Nick screamed sadly.

My friend G’eorge Osbourne smiled at me understatedly. He ruffled his short brown hair and opened his blue eyes like the Cornish sea that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had ruddy pink skin that he was wearing foundation on. Gideon was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents are Conservatives and one of them is a baronet but his father gave him a stupid name and his mother committed suicide because she was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. (Since we formed the coalition he is in the Office of Chancellor of the Exchequer now not the Shadow Cabinet.)

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Mandelson demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Tory, I can’t believe you tried to form a coalition with Nick!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Dave was so mad at me. I had engaged in preliminary talks with Tory (I’m open to non traditional political solutions and so is Dave) for a while but then he broke my heart. The talks had fallen through because they had insisted on keeping the national identity register, a stupid New Labour policy. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was right wing. (Haha, like I would hang out with a Trot.)

“But our coalition talks fell through!” said Tory.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Cabinet Chamber where I had lost my majority to Nick and then I started to frown concernedly.

Chapter 9.

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Nick for cheating on me. I began to furrow my brow, leaning against the desk where I hashed out our platform with Nick.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible lady started flying towards me on a broomstick! She didn’t have a soul and she was wearing all blue but it was obvious she wasn’t a modern progressive Conservative. It was…… Margaret Thatcher!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Thatcher shouted “Section 28!” and I couldn’t run away.

“The 1997 Labour landslide!” I shouted at her. Thatcher fell of her broom and started to scream. I felt bad for her even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Dave.” she yelled. “Thou must kill Tory Miliband!”

I thought about Tory and his sexah eyes and his distinguished brown hair and how his face looks just like Tony Blair. I remembered that Nick had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Nick went out with Tory before I went out with him and they broke up? (AN: NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK)

“No, Thatcher!” I shouted back.

Thatcher gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” she yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Nick!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Thatcher got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on her face. “I hath telekinesis.” she answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Tory, then thou know what will happen to Nick!” he shouted. Then she flew away angrily on her broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Nick came into the room.

“Nick!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He wore translucent powder and Touche Eclat kind of like a coalition (geddit) between Tony Blair and William Hague.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into the House of Commons together, deep in earnest discussion.

on 2010-06-17 01:19 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] shuripentu.livejournal.com
...would it be okay if I linked to this? >.>

on 2010-06-17 01:51 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] wormwood-pearl.livejournal.com
Please do :D

on 2010-06-17 01:35 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] chargasm.livejournal.com
She didn’t have a soul and she was wearing all blue but it was obvious she wasn’t a modern progressive Conservative. It was…… Margaret Thatcher!

Thatcher got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on her face. “I hath telekinesis.” she answered cruelly.



WHAT CAN I SAY?? THIS MAKES ME LAUGH LIKE NOTHING ELSE. THANK YOU ♥

on 2010-06-17 05:32 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] vforvegan.livejournal.com
I hpoe this goes to all 44 chapters, so badly.

on 2010-06-17 09:04 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] wormwood-pearl.livejournal.com
> I hpoe this goes to all 44 chapters, so badly.

I'll certainly do my best. I'm kind of scratching my head as to how I'll make some of the more awful bits work...

on 2010-06-17 07:06 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] baratron.livejournal.com
*screams*

IT'S SO AWFUL!! :D

I really think I should make sure to take my inhaler before reading these, because I laughed so hard at He ruffled his short brown hair and opened his blue eyes like the Cornish sea that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had ruddy pink skin that he was wearing foundation on. that I almost had an asthma attack.

Probably the absolute worst part is the paragraph in Chapter 8 between Everyone gasped. and “But our coalition talks fell through!” said Tory.", because it seems to have suddenly jumped to Nick's perspective without making that clear. Why? Oh yes, because this is badfic, and the original author couldn't write for toffee. Knew there was a reason.

Also pretty terrible is the original author's need to use lots of different words other than "said". I once did this myself (only not as embarrassingly), and was annoyed when a friend pointed out that if there are only two people having a conversation, you only need to mention who's talking every so often, because otherwise it's obvious. A story like this makes that so, oh clear. I expelled. <-- DEAD OF LAUGHING!

And what is Touche Eclat? I'm going to have to Google now to find out... *1 minute later*. Ah. I, er, consider myself educated (http://touche-eclat.com/en/) *blinks rapidly* :O

By the way, you've labelled these chapters as 8 and 9 but the title says 7 and 8. Might want to fix that, unless it's part of the badfic style.

on 2010-06-17 09:15 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] wormwood-pearl.livejournal.com
Also pretty terrible is the original author's need to use lots of different words other than "said".
> But she's so imaginative ;)

And what is Touche Eclat? I'm going to have to Google now to find out... *1 minute later*. Ah. I, er, consider myself educated *blinks rapidly* :O

> In the original, so much emphasis is placed on make up, and especially eyeliner, it was clear that I would need to find a substitute to keep the rhythm. Touche Eclat is 1. a top of the range product 2. used for concealing under eye bags (which I imagine is a big problem for MPs 3. worn around the eyes. I'm finding myself mentioning it so much I wonder if I could get sponsorship...

By the way, you've labelled these chapters as 8 and 9 but the title says 7 and 8. Might want to fix that, unless it's part of the badfic style.

> Fixed. Thanks.

on 2010-06-17 08:36 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] postingwhore.livejournal.com
lolllll this fic brings the lulz

on 2010-06-18 07:55 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] clintoncleggy.livejournal.com
I loved the original more than words can say.

This is better than the original.

Can't wait for the Lupin/Snape/Hagrid scene with the camera... was my favourite.

on 2010-06-18 08:44 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] fivil.livejournal.com
This is terrible but it is making me want to read the original to appreciate the references even more.

on 2010-06-18 11:04 pm (UTC)
Posted by (Anonymous)
ok, you have no idea how much I laughed at "Gideon was kidnappped when he was born" BRB ACTUALLY CAN'T BREATH FROM LULZ! XDDD

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