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Chapter 10.

I was really scared about Thatcher all day. I was even upset went to meetings with my Joint Committee dealing with House of Lords reform. I am the chair of it and I liaise with the Lords. People say that our political angle is like a cross between Churchill, Disraeli and Heath. The other people in the committee are G’eorge, Tory, Nick, Vince (although we call him Tebbit now.) and Alex Salmond. Only today Nick and Tory were depressed so they weren’t coming and we planned white papers instead. I knew Nick was probably blogging (he wouldn’t adversely affect his public image because he was a front bencher too and the only way you can kill a front bencher is with a s-l-e-a-z-e-a-l-l-e-g-a-t-i-o-n (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a talkative secretary) and Tory was probably watching a depressing programme like the news. I put on a black single breasted merino worsted suit with a Conservative party pin on the lapel and a crisp white shirt with a mint green tie. You might think I’m a dandy but I’m really not.

We were discussing a possible move whereby the descendants of peers would be permitted to sit in the House of Lords pending referenda in their district and at the end of the discussion I suddenly furrowed my brow.

“Dave! Are you OK?” G’eorge asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Thatcher came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Tory! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Nick. But if I don’t kill Tory, then Thatcher, will fucking kill Nick!” I ran my fingers through my hair with a look of consternation.

Suddenly Nick jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking arrogant over-privileged crypto-Thatcherite!”

I started to pace up and down running my fingers through my hair and harrumphing, my brow furrowed. Nick started to frown too all sensitive. Then he ran out frowning.

We continued our talks for one more hour. Then suddenly Brown walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. “Dave Nick has been found in his office. He committed political suicide by saying Hitler had some good ideas.”

Chapter 11.

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! G’eorge tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my house frowning myself. Brown chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my bedroom cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started rubbing my forehead with an expression of shocked concern and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Wagner symphony at full volume. I grabbed my laptop and almost started drafting my resignation. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a sombre black suit from Anderson and Sheppard sandly. I put on black handmade leather Balmorals, a black silk tie and antique gold cufflinks I had inherited through the male line. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Mandelson was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Peter Bone was masticating to it!

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU DAILY MAIL REPORTERS OR WHAT!” I screamed wrapping a towel around my nether parts. Suddenly Tory ran in.

“The Iraq War!” he yelled at Mandelson and Bone. I took my gun and shot Mandelson and Bone a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Brown ran in. “Dave, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Mandelson and Bone and suddenly…

Salmond ran outside and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Salmond? You’re just a minority party leader!”


“This cannot be.” Mandleson said in a crisp voice. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Bone held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough champagne.

“Why are you doing this?” Bone said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. (AN: I just couldn't bear to touch that sentence. For the same reason I can't stand to touch vomit.)

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to tax him and spend the money on champagne because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Salmond said and he paused dramitaclly. Then waddled he in singing to the tune of a Scottish version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re a Tory?” Mandleson asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with the coalition.


[If you have been affected by any of the srs issues in this chapter, please call our hotline on 0118 999 881 999119 725 3.]
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