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Brown made and Nick and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I got an expression of grave concern on my ruddy face. Nick comforted me. When we went back to the castle Brown took us to Peter Mandelson and Alistair Darling who were both looking very angry.

“They were having a summit meeting in the Cabinet Room!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Darling.

“How dare you?” demanded Mandelson.


Everyone was quiet. Brown and Darling still looked mad but Mandelson said. “Fine. Very well. You may go to your second homes.”

Nick and I went outside while the Labour ministers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Dave?” Nick asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to my bedroom and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into silk navy blue pajamas and slippers. When I came out….

Nick was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to recite ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there (Samantha was glaring at him suspiciously). We shook hands and patted each other’s backs. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back to his house.
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Chapter Four

“NICK!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Nick didn’t answer but he stopped the car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Dave?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Nick leaned in extra-close and I looked into his pale blue eyes which revealed so much straight forward down-to-earthness and professionalism and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Nick debated with me passionately. Nick climbed on top of me and we started to negotiate keenly against a desk. He took of my jacket and I took of his jacket. I even took of my tie. Then he put his demand for electoral reform into my platform and we compromised for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get a working majority. We started to plan cuts everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….


It was…………………………………………………….Gordon Brown!
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On the morning of the coalition summit I put on my black brogues which had been handmade by a ninth generation Spanish cordwainer. Underneath them were black cashmere socks. Then I put on a black summer weight suit that was single breasted. I put on a crisp white shirt, with a steel blue tie. I combed my hair and then messed it up again. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read the Lib Dem manifesto while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some Elgar. I put on Touche Eclat and TONS of foundation. I didn’t put on blusher because I was ruddy anyway. I drank some champagne so I was ready to go to the meeting.

I went outside. Nick was waiting there in front of his car. He was wearing charcoal suit, a white shirt and a goldenrod silk tie.

“Hi Nick!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Dave.” he said back. We walked into his black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said NC5) and drove to the place with the meeting. On the way we listened excitedly to Elgar and Vaughn Williams. We both smoked cigarettes and THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE HAS BEEN REDACTED. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to our seats at the table and excitedly discussed possible areas for compromise.

“Vince is so fucking hot.” I said to Nick, pointing to him as he spoke, filling the room with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Nick looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we nodded at Vince’s comments. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Nick sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Vince and he married Rachel Wenban fucking Smith after the death of his first wife, Dr Olympia Rebelo, in 2001 (AN: you learn something every day…). I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The morning went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Nick. After the meeting, we drank some tea and had pictures taken by the press. We got minutes for the meeting. Nick and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Nick didn’t go back to the House of Commons, instead he drove the car into……………………… NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET!
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Chapter Two

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I put on my slippers and drank some champagne from a bottle I had. My bed was antique mahogany and was made up with high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. I got out of my bed and took of my salmon pyjamas. Instead, I put on a dark navy suit, a white shirt with silver etched cufflinks, bespoke loafers and navy socks on. I put on a symbolic purple tie, and combed my hair into a sort of messy bouffant.

My wife, Samantha woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her carefully coiffed raven black hair and patted her discreet baby bump. She put on her ostentatiously unpretentious Marks and Spencer dress, opaque black tights and sensible shoes. We put on our makeup (foundation, powder and Touche Eclat).

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Nick Clegg yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Nick?” she asked as we went out of our bedroom and into the kitchen.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Nick walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Labour have lost 91 seats, which is not as bad as they had perhaps feared. The Lib Dems have lost 9 seats, which is a disappointment. The Conservatives won 306 seats, short of the 316 they need to form an outright majority.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love the first-past-the-post electoral method.

“Well…. do you want to form a coalition with me?” he asked.

I gasped.
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[A quick explanation for the blissfully ignorant: My Immortal is one of the worst fanfics of all time. I wrote this reworking a few weeks ago, but decided to wait until it wasn't that funny any more to post this (actually I just forgot...)] Without further ado:

Chapter One

Hi my name is David William Donald Cameron and I have short receding dark brown hair and blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Geoffrey Howe. I’m not related to Cameron Diaz but I wish I were as she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m British but my teeth are straight and white. I have ruddy pink skin. I’m also a member of Parliament, and I go to the House of Commons, which is the lower house of the bicameral Parliament of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, where I’m in the shadow cabinet. I’m 43 years old. I’m a Tory (in case you couldn’t tell) and wear mostly blue. I love Saville Row and buy most of my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a single breasted dark navy suit from Huntsman, a crisp white shirt with gold cufflinks, a cerulean blue silk tie, charcoal angora socks and black bespoke leather shoes. I was wearing foundation, Touche Eclat under my eyes and translucent powder. I was walking outside the palace of Westminster. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of Labour MPs stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Dave!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Nick Clegg!

“What’s up Nick?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

To be continued
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[Error: unknown template qotd]


Let me expand on that.

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New blog.

Livejournal syndication here (thanks to [Bad username or site: @]).

(I'll still use my account to check other peoples' blogs, and I'll still be reading any messages I get sent here.)
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It's a Christmas miracle :D

Now I need another Christmas miracle to happen in the direction of this fucking essay...
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- Su dokus (1 per hour)
- pencil and pen
- no change (keeps me away from the vendies)
- book which is easy to read or magazine
- crochet work and needle
- notebook
- diary
- work pass
- fruit
- tea bags, milk and travel mug
- warm jumper
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I played it last night with a programmer and a former neuroscientist, who respectively disallowed "sudo" and "tinetaz" (as in ringing in the ears, you pig ignorant).


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It’s been a while since I wrote anything notable on my blog. Perhaps this is because my notability filter tends to kick in before I even start writing (i.e. “I should write something in my blog. Maybe I could blog about blah. Nah, boring.”) But fuck it, this isn’t Wikipedia! So, I’ll just start writing and post whatever comes out. I’ve been doing a couple of things of note recently, in fact:

Starting my course

I’ve finished the second week of my masters course, and am enjoying it more than any of the other things I’ve had to do which involve lots of hard work. The lectures/seminars have been mostly interesting so far, and my classmates seem really cool. The atmosphere is pretty laid back and friendly, and everyone seems eager to help one another. In particular, a girl who did her undergrad here makes sure that everyone knows where the various locations are, which is great as the timetabling has left quite a lot to be desired. They seem to have sorted it out now, but for the first week it got pretty disorientating going to lectures and finding out that either the place or time was wrong.

The course is structured in three terms: in the first one we have seminars and lectures to attend, and have a 3000 word essay to hand in halfway through January. After that, we can either do two short lab projects, or one long one. The pace is comfortable just now, but I expect it will pick up a lot.


Those of you who read pozorvlak’s blog will know that I’ve started cycling. I did learn as a child, but pretty much abandoned it after the age of 10 (when I outgrew my bike). I found out that you don’t forget how, exactly, but you don’t exactly remember either. After building up confidence riding on grass and cycle paths, I tried going on the roads. Which is still kind of a work in process. I have never driven in my life and being part of traffic is unfamiliar and scary. It doesn’t help that I’m not well balanced enough to give clear signals. I do try but I wobble alarmingly. It occurs to me I should probably practice this away from traffic. Also, I am even more aware of what awful, inconsiderate drivers are on the roads. I was a guy pull a u-turn through a red light last week.

However, I’ve been liking it a lot. Though I find some situations on the road hard to deal with (getting through narrow gaps, having a car behind me that can’t overtake, not being able to get off the road) I love coasting down hills enough to balance all of that out. I also feel proud for overcoming the intense fear I had over getting back in the saddle (I really hate falling over. Hate. It.)
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[Error: unknown template qotd]No, I'd shit on them. And piss on their dog.
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If you're a lesbian or a member of the hearing community, Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" may have offended you. If this happened to you, you might enjoy this.

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- Get a PhD/Masters position (Done, woo!)
- Get down to 9-10st (Fail. So far. I did lose a lot of weight, but I have put some on as a result of having a boring job with vending machine access. I still think I can reach the upper bound by the end of the year though. Next year's goal will be to stop yo-yoing)
- Run 10K (Done) and half marathon (Might do this at the end of the year.)
- Learn shorthand (FAIL)
- Make more culture foods I've made a few batches of tempeh this year...)
- Get better at juggling (Hmm. I'm a little better, but I'm nowhere near the goals I had)
- Get a diary and actually use it (Definite WIN. I'd be nowhere without it!)
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Don't know how I'll pay but I'll think of something!!!

I can't wait to get back in the lab :D :D :D

Me me

Feb. 18th, 2009 08:01 pm
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- Describe me in one word... just one single word. Positive or negative.

- Leave your word in a comment before looking at what words others have used.

- Then copy and paste the meme to your journal to find out how people will describe you when limited to one word.


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